So we finally talked and I chose to continue the relationship if he could confront the ex and tell her he dating sites to meet husband not be speaking with her anymore. To the end of the earth and yet we should be the ones to change more? After all, everyone of us is suffering through, or dealing with, or trying to overcome one psychological issue or another. He is who he chooses to be. I get hit on all the time by men but I tell them I am married and not interested. I wish I knew about his life style before I got pregnant.
What Does Not Work
Discovering that your husband is visiting online dating sites can be an emotionally devastating experience, dating sites to meet husband. Although such behavior constitutes a betrayal and many wives consider this a form of adultery, if you and your husband can communicate your physical and emotional needs to each other, it may be possible to fix your marriage.
When trying to fix your marriage, dating sites to meet husband, speak to your husband about the issues that led him to visit online dating sites. This will make a difference in the way you approach fixing your marriage. If this is the case, you may be able to repair the marriage by adding variety to your relationship. Take a trip together without the children or plan romantic evenings at home. If your husband seeks more excitement in the relationship, discus his romantic needs and desires, as well as your own.
If your husband visited online dating sites to find a new partner with whom to form an emotional or physical connection, then both of you should explore what is not working in your marriage.
Although it may be difficult to speak honestly dating sites to meet husband these issues, it is important to figure out what each of you believe is lacking, dating sites to meet husband. For example, think about whether the relationship lacks physical chemistry, intellectual connection or emotional closeness. Once you determine what you both need and want from your marriage, you can begin to conceptualize ways to fix these larger issues in your relationship.
After you discover that your husband has visited an online dating site, you will probably have strong feelings of betrayal, anger and mistrust. Trusting your husband again will take time and commitment from both parties.
Share with him how his behavior has affected you. Consider asking him to recommit to fix the marriage and outline your expectations for your marital commitment. If you and your husband have difficulty talking about his online behavior or if you are unable to rebuild trust and recommit to saving your marriage, a counselor may be able to help you, suggests MayoClinic. During counseling, dating sites to meet husband, you and your husband will have the chance to share your perspectives and to hear feedback on how to improve your trust, love and intimacy.
A marriage counselor can help you learn how to communicate your needs more effectively, which may prevent future breaches of trust. Anna Green has been published in the "Journal of Counselor Education and Supervision" and has been featured regularly in "Counseling News and Notes," Keys Dating sites to meet husband newspapers, "Travel Host Magazine" and "Travel South.
She is the founder of a nonprofit mental health group and personal coaching service. By: Anna Green. More Articles How to Get a Copy of a Marriage Certificate in Pennsylvania Why Do Married Men Have Affairs? How to Get Your Husband Back When You Are Separated The Effects of Betrayal on a Marriage How to Forgive a Cheating Spouse. Related Articles How to Get a Copy of a Marriage Why Do Married Men Have Affairs? How to Get Your Husband Back When You The Effects of Betrayal on a Marriage.
How to Forgive a Cheating Spouse. How to File for Legal Separation in How to Renew a Marriage After Two Years How to Recover and Heal in a Marriage How to Let Go After an Affair. What Happens When the Spark in a How Can a Wife Rekindle Her Marriage Different Forms of Cheating in a How to Dating sites to meet husband a Replacement Birth What to Say to My Husband to Reconnect How to Divorce a Mean Husband, dating sites to meet husband.
Can You Fix Unhappiness in a The Steps to Save My Marriage After My What Are the Causes of Marriage How to Get a Copy of Our Marriage References WebMD: 7 Solutions That Can Save a Relationship MayoClinic.
com: Infidelity: Mending Your Marriage After an Affair PsychCentral: How to Heal From Infidelity.
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Not building expectations that cannot be met is further proof of your innate wisdom, and your refusal to be influenced by trendy and false crazy ideas is admirable. I think you would enjoy our book. You remind me of one our earlier coaches, who was a MFT and he taught psychology at the collage level.
You will do very well with your man, and when you marry you will be able to enjoy much more connection. Blessings to you both. Thank you Paul. Which book is that? I taught at college for years — in the area of the sciences mainly. Developing that was my first priority.
My students taught ne much. You will enjoy and benefit from my books, Breaking The Cycle, or Lessons for a Happy Marriage, both of which are available in the menu. Thank you for your inputs. In the past year I have found several dating sites my husband is linked to. I confronted him when I discovered a contact in his phone disguised as a male but was really a woman from one of the sites.
He deleted the sites but this past week I saw more accounts linked to an email he claims not to use. These sites are specifically for affairs and hook ups. There were even pornographic in his drafts folder. The most recent blow in the course of 48 hours was finding him texting a former friend of mine that slept with my boyfriend back in college. He claims she texted him and told him to disguise her number. I just recently moved across the country for his new job and we have a young child.
Dear Molly, I think you wrote to us, but I will answer here for the sake of others. Marriage is not a plaything or temp relationship, but the way media approaches it we all have ideas about marriage that makes it tough to make it work. I would not condone any actions which are not marriage building, but the truth is your husband, and you, do not know until you know.
The very purpose for our existenceis to teach marriage. Either take our course or read our book. Your situation is not only fixable, but you can use this as a wake up call. As a single woman who uses websites to seek out single, eligible partners I cannot believe the number of men who are married and seeking out a relationship of some sort or another posing as single men. I do not knowingly date married men and I was shocked at the number of married men I encountered on line.
I made dates with these men thinking they were actually single. It became obvious to me at a certain point that they are still heavily involved with a woman in some way. Honestly, the problems these men have are worthy of a paycheck for me! I am not a marriage counselor, but it seems to me that is the role I play for these men. A lot of times I feel they are actually trying to understand why their marriage is so bad and what they can do to make it better.
I am an honest and perceptive woman. Most of these guys need some help and usually their marriages mean more to them than being single or getting divorced. There is a breakdown in the marriage somewhere along the way. When I discover the men are married I just converse with them politely.
I think these men are very confused and do not know how to go about repairing their marriages. These guys all claim they are not happy but they have no plans to divorce or remarry. So women — arm yourself with this thought. So just because your husband is on a dating website do not assume that he is willing to throw your marriage down the drain or will find a regular woman who will go for this unless she is desperate to have a child and entrap a married man.
I f you want your marriage to go down the drain and the guy has been a handful, I could understand why you might want to throw in the towel.
From what I have seen of most of these married men they have really lost their way in the marriage. Most of them have no plans to divorce or remarry right away. Try to work on your marriage unless the man has been utterly disgusting has sex with your sister, is involved with criminal activity, is abusive to you or your children. A lot of the guys have career or substance abuse issues which will usually not go away by replacing their wives. And of course most normal women do not want to get involved with a married man with financial, legal or substance abuse issues!
Most of these guys need a fresh perspective on their marriage and their lives, not a divorce. I also meet married men when I am out socially who are cheating on their wives. I am not a therapist nor am I affiliated with this website. These guys are truly lost but it seems very evident to me that they are not planning on divorcing or remarrying. I think people often forget about basic love and respect in their marriages. I always act like a lady on every date. The guys I have met said they had fun or enjoyed my openness or honesty.
I am sure they found me physically attractive as well, but it seems like a different perspective is what attracted them the most. A lot of people seem to say they are no longer in love, but I think they have forgotten how to keep the relationship lively.
Why is the guy taking me out to dinner or out dancing to a new place he has never been to with his wife? I think the answer is that one or both of them has forgotten the initial fun and attraction that characterized the reason for their initial union, and the unique way they have helped one another along in life. I agree with your opinion. May be worsened the situation. I have 5 years old daughter and hence feel sceptical to take any bold step.
I am trying my best to understand his psychological and physical needs, and trying to fulfil at his requirement level. I have started to show him more love and attention; and trying to motivate him a lot because his professional life is not good from past many years.
Please advise me if I am incorrect somewhere. I have two questions, please advise me: 1. How to maintain my sexual life? But I keep going to him after few days.. sometimes week and give more days gap intentionally.
How do I help him come out of online dating, affairs etc. Also presently he is staying in different city because of his work. I am glad you followed that course of action. Turning from taking things personally to compassionate understanding is a powerful medicine that you need to take for the rest of your life. answer yo question 1, is to work on the relationship first, but always letting him know how much you love his lovemaking see the difference? question 2 is you cannot, so do not try.
Please read one of our books or take the course…you will be fine if you become knowledgeable. I understand that the advice you are giving is logical. It could work if the man truly is in love and just acting badly.
It makes me cry to read though. I feel as if this behavior destroys me. Why must i be so much better then i am to deserve to truly be cared for.
My brain says people are human and they can hurt you and love you at the same time. My heart says no, i have loved you and you have used me.
How nasty that you should do that and the only way i can fix it is to go on and on feeling so unloved while i try to win you. I am confused! Dear Betsy Your confusion is completely understandable, and very common. We give and give and give. To the end of the earth and yet we should be the ones to change more? To live more so that we can win him back? He refuses to get help, counseling. Dear Kris Can you recall one time in your life that resentment actually accomplished anything good?
Because I have never seen or heard of anger, vengeance, or expectations ever create a positive result. Our point is that those who escape their marriages, their wives, by going onto porn sites, or looking for sex fixes, are running for a reason.
Is it right that they should do so? Of course not! But neither is it right that a wife would abandon all loyalty, and all compassion, to express her disdain for the man she married by condemnation. Your husband is not perfect. Neither are you. We are here to help marriages, and we are very good at it.
Our clients are successful. But we will only alter our ways when we find a better way to heal marriages. Confronted him and he denied, denied, denied. Gave him photocopies of proof, then he started being affectionate to me. I wanted to throw up. So we finally talked and I chose to continue the relationship if he could confront the ex and tell her he would not be speaking with her anymore.
He did. I thought we had worked things out. Recently my girlfriend tells me he is messaging her through a dating site. Asked him why he was on a dating site. Again deny, deny, deny. I joined the dating website and messaged him. Still he denies that he got my message. The site confirms that he was online and got it. So do I continue to be treated like an ass at home while he is doing whatever when I go to work to support us both????
must I just endure it and fix it myself. Somehow I do not think you are married. and, yes, there is a difference. The things you did are aggressive, confrontational, intense. What would your reaction be? I do hope there are no children involved. Neither of you are educated enough to raise children properly, and perhaps not mature enough either. You do not ask questions that would help your relationship.
So there can be no valuable feedback for you. I have more than one degree and have studied psychology and human development. I have two grown children that are doing very well. those who are willing to look at themselves, with at least some scrutiny, can find a path out of their difficulties. Self-improvement is necessary when our old ways fail us. What is not being dealt with is the hurt and extreme pain that we endure. What do we do with that???
Sometimes the only comfort is to let it go because harmony is much more tolerable. with repeat offenses, those feelings just keep getting exposed over and over again.
Susan, you cannot control your husband, but you can learn to manage your mind.. It is not your husbands actions that are the root of your suffering, but how you perceive his actions, or better stated, how your mind perceives his actions. Your mind will control you until, through educated understanding, you learn to control it. Then, and only then, can you be on the path to happiness. Our teachings are not to become a martyr. On the contrary.
Our teachings are wonderful explanations so you can be happy. Dear Jan I can appreciate your comment about my advice as it applies to your own situation, but a general article is not intended to cover every situation, nor do I suggest that a few tips are always adequate to resolve an issue that is essentially a symptom. My advice is to let women know that although it is not their fault their husband is yielding to this monstrous temptation, there are things they can do about it.
The fact that you would trash me personally, says a lot about your personality and approach to your husband, who is much closer to you. Your level of expectations of him are obviously greater than he can deliver, yet you pummel him in a public venue- venting. Where is your spiritually driven compassion? Would you expect a man with a broken arm to carry a piano? My advice is sound, based on the core principles we teach.
Not everyone can appreciate the depth, but we have seen much worse situations than yours get corrected. You have a done a great job protecting your children and remaining loyal. I wish you would study what we offer so you can do even better — Paul. I am a pretty woman. I get hit on all the time by men but I tell them I am married and not interested. Anyhows I just found out about two months ago that my husband has 5 accounts on sexads. com site. How I found out is because I made an anonymous account on there and searched his name.
Anyhows, he has been searching for local women to hook up with and be even prints out pictures of these women that are nude. It makes me furious about it. I tried to block this site but then he abuses me and calls me a bitch over and over. Also he drinks so that ads to the situation too. I have tried to be attracted to him like I used to but he just wants sex.
He is not an attractive man. He is very skinny and the alcoholism has aged him badly. I need advice please!!! Dear Gail Alcohol is a terrible disease of the mind, and those who fall into its clutches have a very difficult time getting unhooked because it reduces the users will power, sometimes slowly, sometimes drastically.
Our advice is for you to rise above your current situation, yes, but also take precautions that prevent you from sliding into the state he is in. We also advise you to create in yourself an attitude of compassion towards him, rather than disdain, because compassion forces you to up while not pushing him further down.
We have been together for 12 years and married 8 we fell in love with each other after both being in very difficult relationships, moved in together both having children from previous marriages, but we got through everything that had been thrown at us. I thought we always had this special connection not matter what we were there for each other. I have just found on my husband computor he joined a sexy dating site chatting to woman saying sexual things he wanted to do to them and to arrange to meet one inpertiqular, I beleive this has not happened as i spoke to the girl, All i can say is i am heartbroken.
I have confronted him I did scream and shout at first but that is because my husband the man i love destroyed me, he has deleted everything he tells me he loves me and he is sorry and that it became an addiction. I am trying to pick up the pieces but i feel so hurt how could he do this to us, to us we were suppose to be solid.
Suzy The test you are going through is difficult, to say the least, but that does not mean you will not get to the other side of this, and far beyond. This is a wake up call. What you do from here is up to you, and how you perceive what happened the reasons why will have a lot to do with what you do from here. Understanding the difference between how men and and women relate to sex, due to biological drives and social training is essential for you. Then, when you have the option of feeling compassion instead of hurt, you will be able to move forward if you plan on being there for him.
We have seen this situation many times before. We have never seen a failure at least with our clients. I have been married for 10 years.
He is constantly checking his phone. He had put us in financial problems. I feel sick to think that he could to this to me. I wish I knew about his life style before I got pregnant. Please what can I do I feel so alone. Dear Agnes Please contact us through our coaching…go on the website, and find the contact link. I have been married for 14 years, he has been acting weird latley so I decied to check his phone, and he is signed up to numerous online dating websites.
What do I do? Do I just keep my mouth shut and assume he is just browsing. It is not your fault, but saving your relationship is going to take you stepping up your love and expressions. AND, it is not a good time to bring it up.
I have been in a committed relationship for over 5 years. Lately I noticed that there was something not right in the relationship,as he always hid his phone from me and would never allow me to see his passwords on his computer.
Well one day he left his computer open with his emails right there in front of me. I found a message that he sent to a woman whom was a work associate. The message contained very passionate and sexual connotations. I asked him about this. I felt very hurt because I was very committed to him and had been by his side for everything and loved him and showed him love.
I felt very angry as this was going on for quite some time. They were going to lunch together frequently. He said that there was nothing sexual between them.
How could there not be any more. He never spoke to me like that. He said he would stop seeing her at lunch and stop the emailing and texting with her. That was one month ago. What should I do? I feel very unwanted. I am rather obsessed thinking about what he may be doing behind my back. It is a psychophysiological reality that a committed relationship is not the same as marriage.
In the past, when we have tried to help couples in less than a marriage we have seen the strain break the bond, as it is just not the same. I suggest you learn about marriage from one of our books or courses, then you may have a better notion of what the right thing for you to do. We have a 2 year old daughter and another on the way. I recently found him on dating websites like tinder and plenty of fish etc. But today I found him on another one claiming to be single and to having no children.
The idea is we have a good relationship I always have been good to him and his needs are met. So why is this happening. Im not dumb though I know he has to be getting messages from girls and sending them out. Is it worth it to stay? And how should I confront him. Dear Jessica………your situation is as tough as can be because you are doubly vulnerable. We would say to continue loving him, but protect your family by not allowing sex without a condom. Therapy will likely not work.
As you say, he is too immature. But this is not a family buster unless you are the one to bust it. He, like you, needs unconditional love.
It would be wise for you to use our course or, at the very least, read one of our books — both spell out much that you need to learn. Your advice is very similar to a program I followed when trying to save my first marriage.
For the most part I think it is sound advice, but there are situations in which I think it must be tweaked. I found my husband—again—on a dating site. He lies about everything to these women—age, name, location, job. I have in the past ignored the behavior, confronted him, and gently asked why. None of it changed the behavior. I am the sole provider in the house. I work 3 jobs.
Per his request I immediately change into lingerie when I arrive home. I initiate sex. I cook dinner in lingerie. I maintain the house. I get about 3 hours of sleep each night because he wants me up spending time with him.
When I sleep and go to my primary job he goes online. On top of all this he daily goes through my phone, email, and social media sites; accuses me of sneaking off during lunch to meet with boyfriends; accuses me of being in love with all my exes; and insists that I dress for work just to attract new men. How do you deal with a man for whom it is never enough?
Or am I sacrificing myself for a lost cause? Marcie It is quite possible you chose poorly, and if there are no children in the home who he is taking care of your moving on may be a reasonable thing to do. There is a cardinal rule, that we cannot change another. So although you are doing your best in these areas there are some missing elements…. at the very least I suggest you read Breaking The Cycle, so you can decide for yourself what is your best move.
But the children aspect is very important to consider. My ex husband has always been on several sites at once and even lies about his age on them. He said he wants to reconcile with me.
He lies and lies. Everytime he got caught he blamed me. Your thoughts please. Dear Lori We never suggest confrontation because the confronted person will always lie, deflect or…. It is always better to tune into your heart and be the source of love all husbands seek, though sometimes in bizarre ways. Instead you need to develop the knowledge based skills required for marriage….
may I suggest you either take our course or read one of our books. I am sure you will find happiness, but you need to know where to look. Friedman, have read many of your comments, my daughter is trying to deal with a husband who has cheated once, started a Facebook profile using a fake name, was confronted, took it down, and now is on dating sites with half nude pics of himself-again lying about himself.
They have a young son, he also has a drinking problem and has lied to her many times about his drinking. She has gone to counseling, has tried to learn to not be critical and has tried to reach out to him, but he still blames her then says he is sorry, again lies and drinks, is taking them to financial ruin. So- you say it is her reaction that can save their marriage? So, if he keeps doing this, she should work on herself and just keep going only to have this happen again and again?
But life is not like that. We need to know as much about marriage and relationships as possible, or we run into one stumbling block after another. The more we strive to do what is right, based on usable principles, in accordance with what we face, the better the outcome.
Your daughter is in a troubling situation, and there is no telling how it will turn out over time, but she is still his wife, and still the mother to their child.
If she reads Breaking The Cycle or takes our course if it is easily affordable she will have a much better idea of what she should do…or you can both complain, criticize, and condemn…and keep digging the hole you are all in. Your son in law is hurting, too. His actions are NOT excusable, but you make it sound like he is vindictive rather than trapped. He needs help, too. Twila Your seeing marriage as a give and take relationship, where things have to be fair.
But those approaches cannot work. Marriage is not, and was never meant to be give and take, or fair. But when you understand its innate dynamics marriage will bring you more happiness than any other relationship by huge degrees. Your sour grapes ideas would be accurate if you were in a business deal. Your husband is not your child, either though they often act that way. It is not your fault, of course. Our society does not prepare us for marriage or any other relationship. I suggest you at least read our books if you cannot afford the course though it is inexpensive, it cost more than the books.
I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years, we were very happy totally in love and the sexual chemistry is amazing. Last year my mum died and my feelings changed, he became suspicious of me and accused me of cheating. I reassured him and he seemed to accept this, he said he was afraid I was cheating because of my high sex drive, this was totally untrue, I let him have my phone, emails and so on and there was no evidence of a problem so he calmed down and accepted I have always been faithful.
Its been up and down all year, he wanted to make up, then was difficult and unsupportive again. Finally, I checked his emails to find out what was going on, he had been on dating websites, largely to overseas sites, he told me he likes to be admired. I confronted him and we split up, we both went on dating websites but then agreed we had realised what we lost and wanted to start again.
I contacted her she said they exchanged numbers on a dating website but had hardly had much contact. I am now at the point of giving up, I love him very dearly and recently we told eachother we wanted to be together forever, he said we are soul mates and he said we would start again on a new footing but he is still contacting other women.
Any advice would be welcome. Dear Christina It saddens me to see in your example how women have been convinced that the shallowness of sex and surface relationships is all you need. The depth of a woman is in her heart, the gateway to infinite love, not merely a temporary gratification of the emotions.
Within you is that which men seek, that love which they do not have so direct an access to. This love is what you and your boyfriend are missing, and it cannot be easily discovered outside of marriage….
but how would you have known this? Our world is deprived of depth, and me must make great effort to find the way…. unfortunately, no other way will bring true and lasting happiness. Your hope is in your heart, and you must begin anew to find that, and then you will attract the man who finds it within you.
The first time was almost 2years ago I found the secret phone in his work truck, I forgave him,we were trying to work on our marriage.. How in the world do I move past this? Any advice? From anyone???? Some do not forgive, but callously end their marriage out of anger and frustration. Others go for counseling in order to understand what happened, and get a feel about what they can now do, but marriage counseling almost never works.
You said you worked on your marriage…but how? If you want to work on being an artist or an accountant or anything else you would take steps to learn about whatever subject was necessary to achieve success. But we seem to ignore the reality that marriage, too, has requisite subjects to learn for success. it will heal if you know how 4 Begin your efforts to learn about marriage so you can apply and succeed…you will succeed if you put it all together.
I do pray for you and hope you understand enough of what I wrote to help you get started with enthusiastic determination. If so than have you ever been cheated on,or been the one to cheat? So thank you for your response,just not the advice I was hoping to recive.. Lana Of course I am very happily married, have children, and so with every coach we bring into The Marriage Foundation.
All of us also understand these teachings inside out so we can do the best we can in helping those who find themselves in trouble. I am sorry you find yourself in this current situation, but some kind of marriage failure was inevitable because your idea of marriage as expressed is impossible. Marriage is not a business deal wherein both parties agree to equal effort, although our worldly training teaches us just that. Marriage is a give and give relationship, based on premises of each striving to love unconditionally.
Your husband did not fail you as much as he failed himself. And now, you wish to punish him, rather than forgive him. If you wish to save your marriage, you probably can, but not with your present thinking. I suggest you take our course or at least read one of our books. I promise you your thinking is taking you towards divorce. Our thinking and teachings can help you save your marriage. It is your free will that decicdes your fate. Dear Sue What we teach has saved many marriages that would otherwise have ended, hurting the lives of all; spouses, children and future generations.
In developing our programs I chose to focus on rehabilitation; of the love, the ideals of marriage, and the potential future. True, there is pain, but my methods give individuals the power to gain control over the emotions, and the power to tap into the love that is innate within us all.
It is not idiotic to strive for solutions that potentially bring happiness, and in most cases our teachings do just that. Do our teachings work in all cases? Of course not. But we have saved marriages that most wrote off. Individuals who take our courses or read our book ALL have benefited.
Not all marriages were saved, but the individual who sincerely puts our ideas into practice always fare much better for the rest of their lives. Blessings… Paul Friedman. My husband has been very cold and has been distancing himself from me for some time. He has been emotionally and physically distant , and I have been craving to get some intimacy back in the relationship. My reaction to this was that we should work on things while we are still under the same roof, as we have children and that we will all be affected by such drastic moves..
but he refused. My husband finally did move out, 2 weeks ago, and still insists that he wants this marriage to work. He has not shown any remorse or has even apologised. He wants us to hang as friends and hopefully rekindle what we have lost. I am now at the crossroads.. I no longer feel that I can trust him, but i want this marriage to work. Am I just being a doormat. When is enough.. Dear Nadi There is no sense blaming your husband for his weaknesses which, as you have seen, only makes him angry and pull further from you.
If you are to save your marriage you must understand him, what drives him, and how you, yourself, must think and behave to pull him back into the family. Although it is unfortunate things have come so far it is probably not too late for your family if you do that which makes marriages work, rather than hold him accountable, which always destroys marriages. A person of compassion is noble, not a doormat.
No Excuses Please …. the problem is a lack of communication between both parties…. Husband and wife is waiting for Who is going to take the first step…. or it could be…. Porn sites area bad excuse for anything…. Forgiveness is an essential quality to develop within our own consciousness.
Without forgiveness we would all be condemned. He also watches a lot of porn. Plus he has quite a few women friends including his ex-wife. About six years ago, my husband suffered a major stroke that left him paralyzed on his left side. He was He has visual problems and some cognitive loss. At the time, he was paying all of our bills. He told me he was just curious. Hiscomputer was filled with porn pics and videos. I tried to give him more attention.
But I became the caregiver. At first I needed to help him bath and dress. He is now able to do that by himself. I still help with minor things like clip nails. He has not been able to find work that he can do and is on disability. We have a 15 year old daughter. I am the sole breadwinner, housekeeper, driver, etc. I do not know if he is still on the dating sites and viewing a lot of porn. I do not want to spy. I am not a religious person so God does not play a part in my decisions.
So, I ask—is it really fair to criticize me for being angry and feeling like giving up? Thank you. Dear Ginger I will address the question about your daughter first, because the rest of her life is before her. Religious or not, we get married with the idea that if one of us has a calamity the other not just sticks around, but is there to help. It is not an easy commitment to make, but we all do. Maybe because we are covering our own bases, but the commitment is still a living part of the marriage.
Showing your daughter that it is a real part of life is a great gift you are giving her, and although many 15 year old girls are self centered, it needs to be shown to her that giving love and loyalty is a huge part of what opens her heart, while abandoning this deep feminine principle will close her heart,making her a very poor choice as a wife and mother in the future. Your mind is betraying you right now. You know he is mostly helpless so your primitive survival drive is screaming for relief.
Porn is not good, watching porn is not good, going on dating sites when you are married is not good…making your marriage work, starting with what you have, and learning how to ignite the connection…that is good. Your burden is yours, and we cannot say why it is so, but you do not have to take it as such. Having free will gives you all the power for happiness in any situation you find yourself in. This morning I discovered that my daughter saw they porn and dating sites on my husbands computer at some point in the past.
She brought it up during casual conversation. I asked her why and she said that she saw things on his computer. I asked her what and she said that is was pictures and dating site.
She said to her it seamed like cheating. I had an already scheduled appointment with my therapist and he said that it is considered cheating. It appears that he is in a way stalking her. He is not the same man I married. I want her to be strong and I want her to be happy.
I am also worried about my mental and physical health in dealing with all of this. I want to be around for awhile to take care of her. It was six years ago that my husband had the stroke and I found out about the dating sites.
But our focus, as individuals, should be on our own qualities with the emphasis of improving ourselves. Marriage is a great mirror for that, in fact, as we are often pushed, so we can better see our weaknesses.
I think your therapist is pandering to you, and adding fuel to an unhealthy fire. But it is still up to you to be selfless and loving. So, that does not mean you walk into spinning propellers, and it does not mean you ignore the needs of your daughter. But it does mean you should consider looking at your general demeanor to your husband, and see if you are true to your vows.
It is true that divorce is the right thing to do sometimes, but your first steps to learn more about marriage and your self just might save you all from the dramas that come from divorce. Dear GLK and Ginger I cannot imagine the frustration everyone is feeling. Nobody should be characterized, and anyone can be; it is a choice. It would benefit your daughter to read our book, and see if her marriage can be saved, if that is what she wants it is what I want by applying a more reasonable approach to the current situation.
It took me many years to get back the trust but I felt I owed it to myself and him to give it my full try and i did now he has destroyed me again.
But he feels he has erectile dysfunction and this is the cause of all his purpose. He wont go for help has gotten Cialis which he has only used with me on a couple occasions but they are all gone all 50 of them. Tell me how am I suppose to get back to trusting when he keeps breaking it. Others suggest let him go to figure it out. After all, everyone of us is suffering through, or dealing with, or trying to overcome one psychological issue or another.
You cannot blame your husband for your troubled marriage, and you cannot condemn him according to his mental ailments. It is outrageous to do so! Are you perfect? Are your behaviors towards him not adding to the pressures that has him acting out in such SELF destructive ways??
Where is the loving compassion you, as a wife, ought to be expressing in your heart and mind? All you talk about is how YOU are effected; nothing about his suffering! My suggestion is you ask yourself if you are the model wife, loving and supportive, loyal and nurturing, nonjudgmental and forgiving. The rules for marriage are not so much about how to treat your spouse as they are about learning to love outside of your comfort zone. I suggest you turn the spotlight of criticism away from your husband, and upon yourself!
Sound words that I am taking to heart, thank you. I plan on purchasing the book. I have been with my fiance for 5 years. Have been going to therapy for 1 month now. I was so heart broken and in tears ever since.
What to do, do I have sex with him knowing is not love and intimacy for him? I love this man and want to make it work. I just would like for him to have eyes for only me, be in love with me and for us to be orgasmically happy. Lonely and Sad, Thank you. Dear Judith You are right that he is merely using you biologically, but he does not know that. Because of worse than zero marital training in our society he is as much a victim as you are, it is just worse for you because you are not able to just walk away not that you want to.
He is looking for what his soul is yearning for, but his mind is driven by his procreative drive, and confused by the stupid non solutions the world has to offer. Men do not grasp love, for what it is, so it is up to the loyal wife to understand her husband and lovingly nudge him back into her heart…but chances are you are not yet acting from a heart centered place, even though you write very well. The book will help you immensely!
The course would be greatly helpful as well. I hope commitment and marriage will be the outcome from your studies… I would suggest you stop the meeting with the therapist, as your husband is using it to vent and that will only strengthen the error, as his mind rationalizes away his practical responsibilities. Thank you.. I want it to be. Im going to make this work!
Thank you :. One last question…do I share this course with him? So we both follow it together? Or do I keep all these studies to myself? Dear Judith Free will is one of the greatest gifts each of us have been given.
The slightest idea that someone is imposing on our free will causes defensiveness. For that reason we suggest you start the course and book, and after a time you can tell him what you are doing. Best, in your situation where there is already a lot of resentment, to not even mention that he also has full access, unless he asks. The, if he does, play it cool… As you start implementing changes you can share how much help you are getting, but wait a month or so before you say anything.
Paul, I have been reading all the sad stories women have written and it makes me ask why? I like the other women have been married 21years to a man that has LOTS of issues. We have 3 remarkable children, two are almost out of college and my little guy is My 18 year old daughter had a paper to write for school and had to use the office computer because hers was out of juice and the paper had a submission deadline.
She came upstairs a bit later and was visibly upset, I knew somethings wrong. I persisted calmly and sat her down and she fell apart. HE SAID HE WAS Seperated AND HAD NO Children or even any pets, anyway it was all lies. Its aweful when your children are victims because of someone elses fantasy issues. I reassured the girls its not there fault or mine.
This is his choice and we are where we put ourselves. I dont feel a confrontation will prove anything but make it worse. I however have some soul searching and thinking to do. I believe this is a symptom of a bigger problem.
I am aware that I am also not faultless here either. But Its important how I handle this because It greatly affects my children. I am not in a position to divorce him not sure its a solution. All I can think of is the Movie FireProof and the Love Dare Book. WE Are where we put ourselves. I am mad yes Id like to kick his ass for being so stupid and If pursues these women Ill have my answer I also know all it will take is one of his manic episodes and they wont stick around but I dont have to be a doormate either.
My girls are watching me and I must make smart not emotional choices for there sakes. They want confrontation I said its respectfully my love relationship and I must make the decisions. It sucks being the only grown up sometimes, They will also need help with there Dad but for now ME First. Not sure how there male realtionships will be affected in the future. I guess most of all its my choice to stay or go for now.
Dear Sharon You have confused yourself with too much reading of differing points of view, but have come to some very good conclusions. What we did was to establish our work in universal principles, and never stray from them in our teachings, constantly challenging ourselves to remain consistent. I suggest you do the same with your conclusions, but remain a woman and a wife. You would get a lot of help from our teachings, and hope you consider it.
Thanks for the helpful reply. Part of being married is for better or worse, guess this is the worse part YUCK anyway. I am a conservative and have a strong faith. I believe I can draw on it once again to regain my own confidence.
Its never fun or funny its a sad state of the union when this rotten stuff happens but I must believe its a symptom of a weakness in my relationship. I can only control my own behavior and with prayer and alot of being my consistent self I must be get through this.
If he chooses to leave me and his children its he that will loose. I am not going to go down the low road and will have to read and educate myself more to help to bring about a livable outcome for all of us. Like I said someone has to be grown up…thank for the kind ear.
I just found my husband on a dating website.. The reasons you do not confront your husband is because it will do much harm, no good, and probably spin off into much more drama. Can you imagine any person who has been caught actually responding well??
Only in a movie, perhaps, but even if he was contrite, and fell at your feet seeking forgiveness, that would be purely reactive, and short lived. But usually the reaction is either defensive, insulted or the beginning of the end. Additionally, most women catch their husband because they snooped; which will then become an issue, which distracts. Often, sometimes years later sometimes less , husbands respond to the changed wife and take up the mission of creating a true marriage along with their wise wife who led the way.
The husband who cheats is, by definition, unable to handle his married life or wife and has found an escape. He is not of sound mind, but is damaged; and you do not know how badly. Then there. I have a similar situation. Been married 10 years , 2 young daughters. My wife and I seperated 9months ago for anout a month.
It was prompted by her built up frustration over the years. I moved to a hotel … During this time and a week previous to this I had caught her sex chatting online. I confronted her she played it down. The same week I moved out she constantly rang to make sure the comming Saterday night I would be with the kids….
Trusting your husband again will take time and commitment from both parties. Share with him how his behavior has affected you. Consider asking him to recommit to fix the marriage and outline your expectations for your marital commitment.
If you and your husband have difficulty talking about his online behavior or if you are unable to rebuild trust and recommit to saving your marriage, a counselor may be able to help you, suggests MayoClinic.
During counseling, you and your husband will have the chance to share your perspectives and to hear feedback on how to improve your trust, love and intimacy.
A marriage counselor can help you learn how to communicate your needs more effectively, which may prevent future breaches of trust. Anna Green has been published in the "Journal of Counselor Education and Supervision" and has been featured regularly in "Counseling News and Notes," Keys Weekly newspapers, "Travel Host Magazine" and "Travel South.
She is the founder of a nonprofit mental health group and personal coaching service. By: Anna Green. More Articles How to Get a Copy of a Marriage Certificate in Pennsylvania Why Do Married Men Have Affairs? How to Get Your Husband Back When You Are Separated The Effects of Betrayal on a Marriage How to Forgive a Cheating Spouse.
Related Articles How to Get a Copy of a Marriage Why Do Married Men Have Affairs? How to Get Your Husband Back When You The Effects of Betrayal on a Marriage. How to Forgive a Cheating Spouse. How to File for Legal Separation in How to Renew a Marriage After Two Years How to Recover and Heal in a Marriage How to Let Go After an Affair.
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